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No World, it’s not you it’s me….

No World, it’s not you it’s me….

As I enjoyed my mid-day coffee because yes, that is when I woke up today (thanks Lamictal), I was having some wonderful racing thoughts about multiple things that pissed me off.  After I started my day, I reflected on those thoughts and had another a-ha moment.  Like 80% of those situations consisted of moments that I read into far to deeply, let bother me when they should have not or I personalized.  I’m sure I had accountability in the remaining 20% but hey, 80% is pretty good, am I right?

When I was in my mid-20s, engaged to a horrible person that blamed the world for everything that went wrong in his life, I can recall screaming at him during one of our fights that when everything in his life is someone else’s fault, it was time to look at himself and realize that most of the time it isn’t them, it’s you.  I walked away from that argument with a horrible feeling in my stomach because I started to absorb my own words.  Maybe that coworker wasn’t out to get me by sending emails with higher ups on copy.  That guy on I-95 didn’t want to run me off the road, maybe he was just an impatient person late for work.  My world was rocked.

Since then, I often reflect on these moments, mostly after the fact, and try to view them at all angles.  Did I have responsibility in the issue, could I be making things worse with my over analyzing, could I just be in a frame of mind that makes me hate the world and that poor guy who looked at me the wrong way at the wrong moment is about to get the shit end of my fury stick?

I’ll admit, doing this type of reflection is hard. It’s hard to take something you view as a definite and question the reality of the situation.  I’ll toot my own horn and say that as time has passed, I’ve become better at this practice.  But doing this is hard work and however your brain works, this practice will meet with a lot of resistance.  

Start small.  Maybe the cashier at the grocery store wasn’t judging your grocery purchases.  Perhaps he/she was just treated like crap for the 20th time that day by some jerk who sees her as just a cashier at the grocery store and not a hard working person, putting up with long hours on their feet.  So instead of taking her short manner and scowling face personally, give them the benefit of the doubt, smile, thank them and be on your way.  You might be the only customer to treat them as a person their whole shift.

Some people can’t get a handle on this way of thinking.  It doesn’t make them any less of a person.  My husband struggles with doing this and is only successful when he is suffering from guilt.  Doing this is hard and takes time.  Your brain has spent so many years surviving this way, undoing it will take time…..sometimes a lot of time.

So the next time some guy is driving up behind you on the highway at a crazy speed and you think not moving will teach him a lesson, just remember there are crazier people than you out there and you don’t know his/her story.  You are worth more than the few seconds of satisfaction watching his softly curse you out in your rear view mirror.

Granted, there are times that it IS then.  For example, my mother and father in law.  Thy suck.  If an issue arises, it will always be them.  ALWAYS.

-Hypomanic Mama


Round 2

Round 2

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What to do, what to do….

So I’ve been unemployed for a little over a week.  I have officially hit a patch of restlessness.  I have such a need to do something but I’m too tired to do anything.  

I’m fighting the urge to shop which is an old friend of mine that accompanies me on my roller coaster cycling.  I did make some purchases that I now wish I didn’t make because of the expense.  Well Mama, why don’t you just return them?  One word…GROUPON.  I’m now the proud owner of 4 sessions of microdermabrasion, 5 tickets to a Renaissance fair, shellac nail session and two massages.

I can’t WAIT to tell my husband (said with dripping sarcasm)

Bitchy Resting Face Got Me Fired

It has been a few months since my last post.  I accepted a position at a start-up company with a great salary that turned out to be an amazing position.

Everything was going great, I picked up the work with ease and my supervisor praised my work.  

Then I receive a phone call from a recruiter asking me about a position that was posted online.  I asked about the position and low and behold, it was mine.  My manager was staring at me during the call, pale and wide eyed.  After I wrapped the call up, my manager suggested we go talk in the other room.  I was told my moods varying much which was an absolute shock to me because I was so happy to be there and I loved what I did.  

When I asked him to elaborate about my mood he said that some days, I looked like I was going to kill someone.  That would be my normal face 😐.  So push come to shove, I was fired for bitchy resting face.

As a Bipolar, as soon as I heard mood, I panicked thinking I had lost touch with my moods.  Do I think my disorder played into it at all?  Yes.  When I am in public, I’m “on”.  I project the personality that I think is needed for the situation but sometimes, I’m so exhausted, I shut it off for a little while and just look blank.  

So besides this being the first job I was ever let go from it was because of my disorder.  Before you ask, yes it’s legal because I didn’t make my disorder known.

I know there are people that inform their employers of their mental disorders but I am just not there yet.  I hate the way people look at me that know I am bipolar and are quick to judge. “Oh Hypomanic Mama is upset, it’s fine, she’s just having a mood”.  Or “Oh she’s mad, it’s just her Bipolar”.  So many people negate your feels just because you have a disorder.

As I’ve been applying for jobs, I’ve noticed that along with the voluntary declaration of race, ethnicity and veteran status, some companies have now included a disability declaration.  Among those disabilities listed are two mental disorders, Bipolar Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

The first time I saw the page pop up on my screen I was shocked immediately followed by anxiety.  I had the choice to say yes, no or I choose not to answer.  If I say yes, I may be passed over.  If I say no, am I deceiving the employer?  If I say I choose not to answer, am I guilty by default?  

So here I sit, wallowing in self pity wondering what the hell I am supposed to do for work.  I have been a professional since I was 20 and have worked for a few Fortune 500 companies and other large corporations.  Now I’m contemplating having to apply at retail stores.  There is nothing wrong with the work but as my husband is disabled (OCD), I am the only income for a family of 5 and a retail income won’t cut it.

Here’s to getting thrown into the deep end, trying to keep your head above water.

Happy New Year from your LTD Carrier

Well here is to a great start to 2015. A letter from my LTD carrier arrived letting me know that they were estimating my social security payment leaving my monthly payment a whopping $245. 😐

Now I am the main income of my family of 5. So when I checked my bank account to withdrawal my monthly rent, I was unpleasantly surprised to see my dad looking balance.

This whole experience has left me feeling like disability carriers and assistance really want to see how far they can push a person before they finally fall.

All I know is they left this bipolar mama teetering along the edge. Booo

Let’s Kick’em While They’re Down!

I’m a Bipolar Mama married to an OCD Daddy. While it is great to have someone that understands where you are coming from with a diagnosis it’s hard to be down when there is someone not in control of their feelings who kicks you emotionally.

I manage the finances and with two people on disability and three children, Christmas can prove to be difficult. I was able to do a layaway and complete my two younger children but my older son who unfortunately has more expensive taste hasn’t been purchased for yet. He knows about the Christmas Truth but I have to rely on my mother, thankfully, to help me. This is very stressful for me. I have so many emotions going on right now and it all came tumbling down today.

Not helpful is my defensive husband who gets mad at me for being upset and stressed and then lashes out at me which sends me spiraling into bad places. So here I am, a couple days before Christmas, hiding in my basement with my old friend Clonipin, waiting for it to kick in, trying to talk myself into some form of coherent thought. UUUGGGGHHHHH. No wonder I have an ulcer

11 Celebrities with Bipolar Disorder

Came across this list want wanted to share. Mel Gibson is on there. Not thrilled to have his as an example of Bipolar